If there is one big mistake that divorcing couples with children make, it’s using their children in their battle for divorce.
There is a power struggle that comes with divorce, and it comes with a territory. Most of the time, children live with their mother while their father is given visitation rights. The thing is, most fathers have lived with their children every day of their lives; stroking their hair to sleep, playing silly games and sitting with them when they have nightmares.
For fathers to be told that they now cannot see their children every day, hold them when they cry, pick them up from school every afternoon – it’s a heartbreaking deal. It often leads to bitterness and anger, and they aren’t able to initially co-parent successfully because of those negative emotions.
The problem is that without careful and consistent co-parenting, children become insecure, sad and honestly? Angry. They worry that they are the ones at fault when their parents fight. They worry that the divorce itself was all because of them, because they hear their parents fighting over them.
Here’s the thing: children are not pawns in a game of chess for you to use against each other.
Divorce and custody are not easy topics to discuss, let alone go through, and while you can get the best family law representation, grown ups in the argument still manage to put their needs first. It happens: emotions get the best of all of us at some point, and it’s not nice to cope with. Children become the casualty of many divorces, and if you yourself are a child of a divorced couple, you’ll know the emotional scars that come with a territory.
It’s understandable that a divorcing/divorced have a heap of sad and angry feelings. What isn’t acceptable is when they put their children in the middle and fight over them. Not only do they tear the children apart in doing so, they can poison their mind against the other parent, and that’s just not okay.
Take a long, hard look at your children.
They are made of one half you, one half them. You literally loved someone so much that you created a whole other life with them, with half of your personality and half of theirs. So, each time your child hears you insult, attack or upset their other parent, they will take that to heart and believe that they aren’t good enough.
After all, if their other parent is a horrible individual, and they take after them, why wouldn’t they believe you hate them, too? Can you see how quickly calling your ex useless can filter into the heart of your child? It’s just not worth thinking about.
You are lucky to have an incredible child from your relationship, even if the relationship itself didn’t make it – you still made children. This is something to protect fiercely, a precious piece of you both and the result of how much you loved each other once. For their sake, you have to be able to come together and co-parent properly. If you can’t do this, then you haven’t got the best interest of your child at heart.
Children experience divorce like a loss.
One minute, both their parents are giggling, laughing and in love. The next, they’re witnessing bitter rows and fights that result in yelling and slammed doors and tears. They absorb all of this, watching carefully to your behavior. They will hear you sling insults at each other and end up in tears, then in the next breath you are telling your child to use kind words.
How can you hope to teach your children anything about kindness if you can’t practice what you preach? How can you tell your child that you love them wholly, just the way that they are, when you show them how much you hate the other parent – half of who they are? You can’t. Instead you have to learn to put aside your anger, your hurt and your tears and put your children first. Here’s how to do it.
#1: Keep your feelings private.
If you have rage and upset, take it to the times your children are out of the house or at school. Sob into the shoulder of your best friend, but keep that side away from the children.
#2: Keep your parenting consistent.
You may not have worked together as a couple, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t agree on ground rules and routines at both houses for your children to follow. Children need as much security as possible, and while you cannot offer that as a united couple, you can offer it as united parents.
#3: Agree to contact each other with updates on the children’s welfare.
A text here or there is fine. But also agree to respect their time together without constant interruption.
#4: Divide your time in a way that is fair.
Two involved parents get torn apart with limited contact with their children, so let’s avoid the one sleepover a week. Talk calmly – with a mediator if necessary – about arrangements that would be best for your children.
#5: Realize that your actions are going to have an imprint on the way that your children view relationships.
Your actions have to be kind to each other. Even if you don’t feel that way – fake it!
#6: Don’t be passive aggressive about your ex in front of your child, or talk down to them through your child.
It’s important that you stay supportive of your ex when speaking to your child, so only use positive words.
Splitting up a family? Not the easiest thing to do.
But that doesn’t mean that you love your children less. If you decide to go through a divorce, then you need to make a conscious decision to keep loving each other as parents, even if you don’t love each other romantically anymore. Just because you fell out of love with each other, doesn’t mean that you don’t love your children. Remember that.
