I have to be honest with you guys for a minute – mom life has been hard the past five weeks.
Things got rough at the end of my pregnancy. When I finally hit 40 weeks, I was so ready to have my baby; the nine months leading up weren’t all terrible, but the last few weeks really took a toll. Then 40 weeks turned into 41, and week 41 rolled into week 42, and I started to lose my shit. She was two weeks late and I was not dilated at all.
I was waddling around work through week 40, sweating like a pig because carrying an extra 40 pounds around was a lot of effort for someone as physically inactive as me. Week 41 I took off for “vacation”, but I couldn’t really call it that since I was spending every day getting caught up on schoolwork and housework. And when I still hadn’t gone into labor, I had to go back to work at the beginning of week 42 because I couldn’t afford to miss an extra week of work.
Pregnancy broke me physically that week.
I had a baby shoving her feet so hard into my ribs that they were actually bruised (and took another three weeks to heal after she was born). Sleep was practically nonexistent because I was up every two or three hours to pee. And as if that wasn’t enough, her late arrival had my anxiety through the roof making it impossible for me to focus on anything.
I just kept thinking to myself, hadn’t I been put through enough already?
When she finally made her entrance, it was 15 days past the due date. Labor wasn’t fun by any means, but the 17 hours of laboring (and the 7 hours of contractions leading up to our hospital arrival) wasn’t nearly as bad as our first night home. I was thankful to be back in my own bed, but I overestimated how much time I’d actually get to spend in it. Though most of the details from that night are blanketed in a fog of exhaustion, I do remember crying almost nonstop. And she just kept crying no matter what I tried. I remember feeling like a failure.
That feeling of failure surfaced a lot lately.
I know being a new parent is hard for everyone who’s ever been through it, but I felt like shit 85% of the time the past month. Truthfully, I didn’t think I’d ever go through an entire day without worrying that I’m a terrible mom to this tiny human. But over the last couple of days, my perspective began to shift. On Saturday Elsie turned 1 month old. Although I feel like these four weeks have flown by, I also wasn’t totally sure I’d make it this far. I’ve earned my badge for keeping a newborn alive for a whole month despite having no fucking clue what I was doing. (I’m still unsure how we got here; I’ve been a complete disaster lately, but I’ll take any win I can get.)
Seriously though, I am beyond grateful for family.
I don’t know how single mothers do this every day. I would’ve lost my sanity by now if it weren’t for Eric and both of our families. Spending most of my time locked up in the house and getting next to no sleep? Not exactly my cup of cocoa. Visiting family has kept me from ripping out my hair some days, and having so many people on our team has made it possible for me and Eric to have a little bit of time off from parenting too. So shout out to all the moms who do this every day by themselves. I wish I was half the badass you all are!
Being a new mom is time consuming.
It kind of goes without saying, but it’s so true. I can’t remember the last time I vacuumed the house or truly cleaned. Though I’ll admit laundry has certainly taken priority over other housework these days. (Who knew a baby would go through more clothes than I do?) My schoolwork took a backseat for a couple weeks too as we adjusted to a new routine. (I’m still praying that my grades aren’t completely shot in a couple of my classes.) But the end of the semester is near; I can already feel the stress of finals creeping up, and I look forward to being done with this semester.
Of course, being busy is no excuse for my lack of blogging.
Even though the last couple of months have been rough, I had plenty of opportunities to write new posts and get back into the swing of things. There have been many times I’ve had an idea pop up for a new post, only for it to be pushed aside for another episode of Grey’s Anatomy. But to be completely honest, I’ve just not been feeling it. I love DIY projects, but making that the focus of my blog just wasn’t a good fit for me. So I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want to write about.
It sounds really counterintuitive, but I want to write about everything. A lot of people say that in order to have a successful blog you need to find a niche and stick to it. But I disagree. I want to share my personal stories and my occasional projects. I want to write sassy pieces and how-to posts. The freedom of having any subject available is so important to me. So I’m refocusing my blog for 2018. Expect to see more posts more often on more topics!
I look forward to taking you all on this new journey with me.
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